1 00:00:00,726 --> 00:00:02,859 - You got mail, Dad. - More mail? 2 00:00:02,894 --> 00:00:04,094 Man, it's like it comes every day here. 3 00:00:04,129 --> 00:00:06,329 Zephyria's on a raven system, so you only get mail 4 00:00:06,365 --> 00:00:07,697 once or twice every migration. 5 00:00:07,733 --> 00:00:11,301 - Makes it so much more special, you know? - ALAN: Uh, I didn't get that. Ooh, 6 00:00:11,336 --> 00:00:14,704 but you did get an invite to Mom and Craig's engagement party. 7 00:00:14,740 --> 00:00:16,606 Wow, they're really going through with it, huh? 8 00:00:16,642 --> 00:00:17,707 I have to say, I was pretty sure 9 00:00:17,743 --> 00:00:19,109 your mom would've come to her senses by now. 10 00:00:19,144 --> 00:00:20,944 Wait, hold on a second here. 11 00:00:20,979 --> 00:00:22,545 It just says Zorn. There's no "plus one"? 12 00:00:22,581 --> 00:00:23,546 - So? - So... 13 00:00:23,582 --> 00:00:25,148 so, I mean, what does she expect me to do? 14 00:00:25,183 --> 00:00:28,585 Just sit at the sad singles table and get super wasted talking to her 15 00:00:28,586 --> 00:00:31,988 diabetic Aunt Deb, and just go home to eat curly fries and cry? 16 00:00:32,024 --> 00:00:33,923 Well, I guess I know what I got to do today. 17 00:00:33,959 --> 00:00:35,659 What, overreact to an imagined slight? 18 00:00:35,694 --> 00:00:36,993 Don't be silly, Alangulon. 19 00:00:37,029 --> 00:00:39,429 Zorn is going to get his plus one! 20 00:00:39,464 --> 00:00:41,064 [heroic music plays] [Zorn grunts] 21 00:00:41,267 --> 00:00:43,333 [crash] [gasping] 22 00:00:43,368 --> 00:00:45,380 [title music] 23 00:00:45,381 --> 00:00:48,946 sync and correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~ 24 00:00:49,247 --> 00:00:51,348 EDIE: I'm so glad we finally found a use 25 00:00:51,383 --> 00:00:54,050 for your grandmother's dollhouse furniture collection. 26 00:00:54,086 --> 00:00:56,553 Yeah, me, too. I wish she was here to see it. 27 00:00:56,588 --> 00:00:58,989 But she's in Tampa. In her grave. 28 00:00:59,024 --> 00:01:01,892 Wait, what about Alan? What if he wants to bring that 29 00:01:01,927 --> 00:01:03,827 precious, little, puppy-eyed friend of his? 30 00:01:03,862 --> 00:01:06,663 - Scott? - No, I meant Layla. 31 00:01:06,698 --> 00:01:08,598 He's been hanging out with her a lot lately. 32 00:01:08,634 --> 00:01:10,166 - Mm. - I love her. She calls me 33 00:01:10,202 --> 00:01:12,102 Mrs. B., like we're on Happy Days or something. 34 00:01:12,137 --> 00:01:14,471 So, Alangulon gets a plus one, but I don't, huh? 35 00:01:14,506 --> 00:01:17,140 EDIE: Zorn, why would you need a plus one? 36 00:01:17,175 --> 00:01:19,309 Because of that, right there! Your pity look. 37 00:01:19,344 --> 00:01:20,877 I am not gonna go to that party alone 38 00:01:20,913 --> 00:01:23,013 and get that look all night, trust me. 39 00:01:23,048 --> 00:01:24,881 Okay, fine. If it means that much to you, Zorn, 40 00:01:24,917 --> 00:01:26,449 you can have a plus one. 41 00:01:26,485 --> 00:01:28,818 And then, if you can find a date, that's great, 42 00:01:28,854 --> 00:01:30,787 and if not, it's totally okay. 43 00:01:30,822 --> 00:01:32,489 You're doing it again! Like I'm some pathetic, 44 00:01:32,524 --> 00:01:34,291 lonely barbarian who's lighting scented candles 45 00:01:34,326 --> 00:01:36,560 in my housecoat, as my six cats stare at me 46 00:01:36,595 --> 00:01:39,296 - with tears in their eyes. - Well, aside from me, have you 47 00:01:39,331 --> 00:01:42,499 - ever even had a real relationship? - Sure I have. 48 00:01:42,534 --> 00:01:45,802 - Yeah, what about, uh, Katara? - The mannequin? 49 00:01:45,837 --> 00:01:48,505 She was an enchanted love doll, Edie. And a great mom. 50 00:01:48,540 --> 00:01:51,841 - Uh, uh, what about Radiana? - Radiana? Oh, please. 51 00:01:51,877 --> 00:01:53,510 She was crazy, not to mention the fact 52 00:01:53,545 --> 00:01:55,278 that she was literally radioactive. 53 00:01:55,314 --> 00:01:57,213 Look, the important thing is: I'm bringing a date. 54 00:01:57,249 --> 00:02:00,784 And we will both be having whatever the opposite of the fish course is. 55 00:02:00,819 --> 00:02:02,419 Well, I'm sure you and your future lady friend 56 00:02:02,454 --> 00:02:03,853 will make a wonderful couple. 57 00:02:03,889 --> 00:02:05,889 But if this imaginary relationship 58 00:02:05,924 --> 00:02:10,126 runs into a real pothole, maybe I can be of service. 59 00:02:10,162 --> 00:02:13,129 That's right. Not only am I an online psychologist, 60 00:02:13,165 --> 00:02:15,765 - I'm doing actual therapy. - Why are you wearing a cape? 61 00:02:15,801 --> 00:02:17,601 - Well, because a hero doesn't... - No, thanks. The girl 62 00:02:17,636 --> 00:02:19,603 I find will be perfect and we won't need any help from you. 63 00:02:19,638 --> 00:02:22,138 - Aw... - Stop giving me that look! 64 00:02:22,174 --> 00:02:25,175 ZORN: Okay, my mission is to find a maiden 65 00:02:25,210 --> 00:02:28,144 who is stupid and ugly enough to have sex with me tonight, 66 00:02:28,180 --> 00:02:29,512 yet smart and beautiful enough 67 00:02:29,548 --> 00:02:31,514 to make me look good at Edie's party. 68 00:02:31,550 --> 00:02:33,617 Stupid, smart, beautiful, ugly... those are the boxes to check. 69 00:02:33,652 --> 00:02:37,654 - Now, to meet my she-Zorn. - Now, to find me a she-Todd. 70 00:02:37,689 --> 00:02:40,290 LINDA: So, which one of you handsome idiots 71 00:02:40,325 --> 00:02:41,858 wants to get pregnant tonight? 72 00:02:41,893 --> 00:02:45,662 I told you the clubs in Fullerton Hills were better than L.A. 73 00:02:45,697 --> 00:02:47,230 ZORN [chuckling]: Hey, what's up, girl? 74 00:02:47,265 --> 00:02:49,332 Gorthar, the witch doctor of love, called. 75 00:02:49,368 --> 00:02:50,667 Said he needs my heart back. 76 00:02:50,702 --> 00:02:54,971 [chuckling] Ugh... No, thanks. 77 00:02:55,007 --> 00:02:57,240 [blowing, sniffing] 78 00:02:58,210 --> 00:03:04,581 - Craig, your toast is beautiful. - Oh, it's just a fifth draft. 79 00:03:04,616 --> 00:03:06,549 Well, now I'm worried about my toast. 80 00:03:06,585 --> 00:03:09,653 I-I don't like getting all emotional in front of people. 81 00:03:09,688 --> 00:03:12,188 It's embarrassing and it's cringe-y. 82 00:03:12,224 --> 00:03:13,790 It's the same feeling I get when I hear children 83 00:03:13,825 --> 00:03:15,025 being interviewed on the radio. 84 00:03:15,060 --> 00:03:16,893 Can I do something quick and simple? 85 00:03:16,928 --> 00:03:21,248 - I mean, you know how I feel, right? - I do, but our closest friends 86 00:03:21,249 --> 00:03:24,429 and work acquaintances don't. And that's who this party is for. 87 00:03:24,464 --> 00:03:26,689 [bugle playing fanfare] 88 00:03:30,976 --> 00:03:33,494 I'm here to announce that your present for 89 00:03:33,495 --> 00:03:36,012 the engagement party will be a song... [bugle plays] 90 00:03:36,048 --> 00:03:37,313 on... [bugle plays] 91 00:03:37,349 --> 00:03:39,656 the... [bugle plays] 92 00:03:39,691 --> 00:03:40,950 ...glass harp, played by me. 93 00:03:40,986 --> 00:03:44,387 You're welcome. Plus... [chuckling] Layla's gonna see me harpin' out 94 00:03:44,423 --> 00:03:46,856 - and probably be like, "Wow, pretty cool." - CRAIG: Can you do covers? 95 00:03:46,892 --> 00:03:49,759 What would "Lady in Red" sound like on the glass harp? 96 00:03:49,795 --> 00:03:52,028 [whistling indistinctly] 97 00:03:52,064 --> 00:03:53,363 That's fantastic. 98 00:03:53,398 --> 00:03:55,331 Well, I'm sure I speak for both of us when I say, 99 00:03:55,367 --> 00:03:57,734 - we can't wait. - Awesome! 100 00:03:57,769 --> 00:03:59,035 That's so great, guys. Thank you. 101 00:03:59,071 --> 00:04:02,223 As a licensed therapist, I hope this courtship with 102 00:04:02,224 --> 00:04:06,642 this young lady goes smoothly, but if it doesn't... 103 00:04:07,279 --> 00:04:09,646 - Wait, why are you wearing a cape? - Because, Alan, 104 00:04:09,681 --> 00:04:12,282 - a hero doesn't have to... - Nope. Nope. 105 00:04:13,618 --> 00:04:15,018 I'm gonna practice. 106 00:04:16,822 --> 00:04:19,122 - Why did you say he could do that? - Was that bad? What? 107 00:04:19,157 --> 00:04:21,491 Well, you know I love Alan more than anything. 108 00:04:21,526 --> 00:04:22,692 I'm obsessed with him. 109 00:04:22,728 --> 00:04:24,060 So you have to trust me when I tell you 110 00:04:24,096 --> 00:04:26,629 his music is truly frickin' awful. 111 00:04:26,665 --> 00:04:29,265 I was just pretending to like it because I love you. 112 00:04:29,301 --> 00:04:31,000 Why does he think he's so good when he's so bad? 113 00:04:31,036 --> 00:04:33,854 Well, it's my fault. He sucked at everything 114 00:04:33,855 --> 00:04:36,573 as a kid, so I just constantly praised him. 115 00:04:36,608 --> 00:04:37,707 I don't want him to embarrass himself 116 00:04:37,743 --> 00:04:39,175 - in front of Layla. - You know, 117 00:04:39,211 --> 00:04:40,310 it sounds like you and your son have a lot of 118 00:04:40,345 --> 00:04:41,311 - issues you need to... - No, thank you. 119 00:04:41,346 --> 00:04:42,545 [softly]: Okay. 120 00:04:42,581 --> 00:04:44,247 [keys jingling] ZORN: I-I just don't get it. 121 00:04:44,282 --> 00:04:47,684 You know, back in Zephyria, I could have any girl I wanted! 122 00:04:47,719 --> 00:04:49,252 Any of 'em! 123 00:04:49,287 --> 00:04:52,856 Oh boy, how many doorknobs are on this door? 124 00:04:52,891 --> 00:04:55,658 Get in there. [slurring]: Get in there. 125 00:04:56,561 --> 00:04:57,794 [scoffs] 126 00:04:57,829 --> 00:04:59,929 Hey, I'll show 'em who's got a hot date. 127 00:04:59,965 --> 00:05:02,398 Literally, the hottest date I know! 128 00:05:06,055 --> 00:05:10,074 [poof] [romantic music] 129 00:05:10,075 --> 00:05:13,143 - Hello, Zorn. - Radiana. 130 00:05:13,178 --> 00:05:15,678 - You look great. - Aw, that's nice of you. 131 00:05:15,714 --> 00:05:17,454 I feel fat. 132 00:05:17,749 --> 00:05:21,214 [moaning] [laughs] 133 00:05:22,461 --> 00:05:23,940 [both moaning] 134 00:05:23,976 --> 00:05:25,509 [Radiana laughing] 135 00:05:25,544 --> 00:05:26,877 ZORN: Mmm, I forgot what a great kisser I am. 136 00:05:26,912 --> 00:05:29,646 Oh, hey, Edie. Didn't realize you were there, 137 00:05:29,681 --> 00:05:31,348 just staring at us making out. That's weird. 138 00:05:31,383 --> 00:05:34,017 [chuckling]: Just thought I'd stop by with my super sexy plus one. 139 00:05:34,052 --> 00:05:39,256 - Uh, hello, Radiana. - Oh, Edie. You look older. 140 00:05:39,291 --> 00:05:41,057 It must be all that time and aging. 141 00:05:41,093 --> 00:05:43,326 Well, not everyone can have a thousand year half-life. 142 00:05:43,362 --> 00:05:45,829 Or an ass like a teenage Rob Lowe. Hey! 143 00:05:45,864 --> 00:05:47,497 - [groaning]: Okay. - ZORN: Oh, and that's Craig, 144 00:05:47,533 --> 00:05:49,733 the gentleman that'll be marrying my sloppy seconds. 145 00:05:49,768 --> 00:05:52,536 I like to think of it as recycling. [chuckling] 146 00:05:52,571 --> 00:05:53,970 Hi. 147 00:05:54,006 --> 00:05:55,656 [glass harp playing off-key] 148 00:05:55,657 --> 00:05:57,307 [groaning] What... What's that sound? 149 00:05:57,342 --> 00:06:00,877 EDIE: That's Alan practicing his glass harp. That music? 150 00:06:00,913 --> 00:06:03,947 That's the music that plays inside a serial killer's head. 151 00:06:03,982 --> 00:06:05,982 Ooh, yeah, your son sucks. 152 00:06:06,018 --> 00:06:07,784 Can I get you guys something to drink? 153 00:06:07,819 --> 00:06:10,687 Uh, just, uh, give me one second, babe. 154 00:06:10,832 --> 00:06:13,033 [whispering]: So, Radiana is the best, right? 155 00:06:13,068 --> 00:06:15,970 I mean, she's hot, funny, she can turn a normal tub 156 00:06:15,971 --> 00:06:18,872 into a hot tub just by sitting in it, so that's a plus. 157 00:06:18,907 --> 00:06:21,241 - Zorn, she's completely unstable. - Yeah, I mean 158 00:06:21,276 --> 00:06:23,677 maybe she was completely unstable. 159 00:06:23,712 --> 00:06:26,780 - But she's totally changed, probably. - EDIE: Look, just because 160 00:06:26,815 --> 00:06:28,669 you might be a little jealous of me and Craig, 161 00:06:28,704 --> 00:06:29,582 doesn't mean you should get back into 162 00:06:29,618 --> 00:06:31,251 an unhealthy relationship just to be with someone. 163 00:06:31,286 --> 00:06:33,219 But Edie, you know, I think she's really, like... 164 00:06:33,255 --> 00:06:35,922 Why are you whispering? I can't hear what you're saying. 165 00:06:35,957 --> 00:06:38,041 RADIANA: Oh, hey, sorry to interrupt. 166 00:06:38,042 --> 00:06:41,194 Zorn, do you mind showing me where the bathroom is? 167 00:06:41,229 --> 00:06:43,596 Hey! Next time you want to flirt with an ex, 168 00:06:43,632 --> 00:06:45,765 - you can flirt with me! - Oh, whoa, what are you saying? 169 00:06:45,801 --> 00:06:47,300 Because I'm gonna break up with you 170 00:06:47,335 --> 00:06:48,702 [electrical crackling] if you flirt with Edie again, 171 00:06:48,737 --> 00:06:50,370 so then I'll be the ex you can flirt with! 172 00:06:50,405 --> 00:06:52,138 - What don't you get? - No, no, no, no, 173 00:06:52,174 --> 00:06:53,907 Radiana, please, baby, baby, just listen, 174 00:06:53,942 --> 00:06:55,308 - hold on, hold on... - Oh my God, you're right, 175 00:06:55,343 --> 00:06:57,877 I'm doing it again. What is wrong with me? 176 00:06:57,913 --> 00:07:01,715 Like, I've tried to talk to people about this jealousy stuff 177 00:07:01,750 --> 00:07:05,351 and they always say it stems from my relationship with my sister? 178 00:07:05,387 --> 00:07:07,721 But I don't know what to do because that, like, 179 00:07:07,756 --> 00:07:10,190 - that goes deep. - No, no, no, no, no, I'm sorry. 180 00:07:10,225 --> 00:07:12,425 I'll never look at another girl again, I promise. 181 00:07:12,461 --> 00:07:13,827 Uh ,look, here, you don't believe me? 182 00:07:13,862 --> 00:07:15,895 - Look, I'll stab my eyes out. - No! 183 00:07:15,931 --> 00:07:20,566 How will I get lost in your eyes if you stab them out, baby? 184 00:07:23,171 --> 00:07:25,371 [moans] [laughing]: Oh, yeah. 185 00:07:25,407 --> 00:07:26,873 [rumbling, Zorn laughing] 186 00:07:26,908 --> 00:07:28,274 ZORN [muffled]: Stop it. Oh. 187 00:07:28,310 --> 00:07:30,043 - Oh, no, no. - Yes. 188 00:07:30,078 --> 00:07:31,511 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 189 00:07:31,546 --> 00:07:32,545 Well, that's just rude. 190 00:07:32,581 --> 00:07:35,048 ZORN: Sorry about that, guys. We were just, uh... 191 00:07:35,083 --> 00:07:36,816 yeah, we just had sex. [coughs] 192 00:07:36,852 --> 00:07:38,885 [sizzle, Zorn clears throat] 193 00:07:38,920 --> 00:07:41,888 - It's just allergies. - CRAIG: Mm. Well, it is the season. 194 00:07:42,033 --> 00:07:47,203 [music] [Zorn coughing] 195 00:07:47,239 --> 00:07:49,706 LINDA: Zorn, you need to go home. 196 00:07:49,741 --> 00:07:53,276 Oh, hey, Linda! Oh, no, don't worry, it's just some hay fever. 197 00:07:53,311 --> 00:07:54,944 Got back together with my ex, Radiana. 198 00:07:54,980 --> 00:07:58,014 She's the best. I mean, sure, there's a lot of drama 199 00:07:58,049 --> 00:08:00,850 and then she cries radioactive tears and melts all the walls, 200 00:08:00,886 --> 00:08:02,518 but somehow, it just... yeah, I mean... 201 00:08:02,554 --> 00:08:04,921 it just... yeah, you know, it works. [chuckles] 202 00:08:04,956 --> 00:08:06,222 Are you sure this relationship 203 00:08:06,258 --> 00:08:08,909 - is the healthiest thing for you? - Oh, shut up, we're soul mates! 204 00:08:08,910 --> 00:08:11,394 Oh, my God, she said the funniest thing the other day. 205 00:08:11,429 --> 00:08:12,896 Actually, you know, I-I didn't even get it. 206 00:08:12,931 --> 00:08:14,497 And-and then I was like, "Well, that's not funny," 207 00:08:14,532 --> 00:08:16,366 and then she started crying because 208 00:08:16,401 --> 00:08:18,368 she thought I didn't think she was funny, and I was like, 209 00:08:18,403 --> 00:08:21,070 "No, no, no, you're funny. You-you don't say funny things, 210 00:08:21,106 --> 00:08:23,706 but you always get what's funny, you know? I love you." 211 00:08:23,742 --> 00:08:25,008 And then we were like, you know, like... 212 00:08:25,043 --> 00:08:27,410 [Zorn growling and barking] Uh-huh. 213 00:08:27,445 --> 00:08:28,945 I-I get it. I get it. [Zorn imitates sheep bleating] 214 00:08:28,980 --> 00:08:31,614 Hey, I was in a relationship just like that. 215 00:08:31,650 --> 00:08:34,517 It's called a toxic... [coughing] Ah... 216 00:08:34,552 --> 00:08:36,986 - Oh. - Linda, you better not be getting me sick. 217 00:08:37,022 --> 00:08:38,521 Okay? [laughs] 218 00:08:38,556 --> 00:08:40,690 [off-key notes on glass, knock at door] Knock knock. 219 00:08:40,725 --> 00:08:42,525 - Stop it! - Hey, Mom, what's up? 220 00:08:42,560 --> 00:08:48,097 Alan, what if someone you care about 221 00:08:48,133 --> 00:08:50,967 was really, really bad at something, 222 00:08:51,002 --> 00:08:53,970 but you know they love doing it? 223 00:08:54,005 --> 00:08:55,872 Would you tell that person 224 00:08:55,907 --> 00:08:58,541 so they wouldn't embarrass themselves 225 00:08:58,576 --> 00:09:00,777 - in front of everybody? - I get it. I-I get it. 226 00:09:00,812 --> 00:09:03,167 - You do? - Yeah, I mean, Mom, we know Craig 227 00:09:03,236 --> 00:09:06,916 isn't the best therapist, but you can't just tell him that. 228 00:09:06,952 --> 00:09:09,586 - I... can't? - Maybe... you know what? 229 00:09:09,587 --> 00:09:11,554 There's a way you could, like, sneakily keep him from doing it? 230 00:09:11,589 --> 00:09:14,290 Or... what if you just told him 231 00:09:14,326 --> 00:09:15,892 he was way better at something else, right? 232 00:09:15,927 --> 00:09:17,727 - Yeah. - Mm-hmm. 233 00:09:17,762 --> 00:09:21,464 Yes! That's good. 234 00:09:21,499 --> 00:09:25,868 - Cool. - Oh, hey, you are very persuasive. 235 00:09:25,904 --> 00:09:26,850 Have you ever thought about 236 00:09:26,851 --> 00:09:29,286 - joining the debate team? - Nope. 237 00:09:31,546 --> 00:09:34,429 [music] 238 00:09:35,547 --> 00:09:38,414 Radiana, sweetie, i-is that your toothbrush? 239 00:09:38,450 --> 00:09:40,650 Well, I figured since I'm staying over so much, 240 00:09:40,685 --> 00:09:44,420 might as well keep it here, right? Also, my other stuff. 241 00:09:44,456 --> 00:09:48,925 - Also... me. - You want to move in together, huh? 242 00:09:48,960 --> 00:09:51,627 What a great idea. It feels right. 243 00:09:51,663 --> 00:09:52,996 Doesn't it just feel right? 244 00:09:53,031 --> 00:09:54,831 Getting a dog. Meeting your parents. 245 00:09:54,866 --> 00:09:56,299 Combining our bank accounts. 246 00:09:56,334 --> 00:09:58,835 Having twin girls named Aquafina and Dasani. 247 00:09:58,870 --> 00:10:01,938 - Holding your hand while you die. - Uh, yeah, yeah, but, I mean, 248 00:10:01,973 --> 00:10:04,574 don't you think we might be moving a little fast? I... 249 00:10:04,609 --> 00:10:07,076 Oh, I knew it! You never loved me! 250 00:10:07,112 --> 00:10:10,380 Madison was right. You'll never settle down! 251 00:10:10,415 --> 00:10:12,949 - And you think I'm fat! - What? 252 00:10:12,984 --> 00:10:15,585 No, don't listen to Madison, she's a nut job. [Radiana sobs] 253 00:10:15,620 --> 00:10:17,420 Look, I'll make you a key tomorrow, okay? I promise. 254 00:10:17,455 --> 00:10:20,923 [gasps] Oh, my God! Madison is a dumb bitch. 255 00:10:20,959 --> 00:10:25,059 And I knew you loved me. Now get over here. 256 00:10:25,824 --> 00:10:29,532 [sultry music plays] 257 00:10:29,567 --> 00:10:32,006 [laughing]: Oh, yeah. 258 00:10:32,471 --> 00:10:34,026 [Radiana shudders] 259 00:10:34,061 --> 00:10:36,021 [Zorn giggles, Radiana gasps] 260 00:10:36,488 --> 00:10:40,051 [moaning and shuddering] 261 00:10:40,978 --> 00:10:43,146 ZORN: Stupid Linda. 262 00:10:43,181 --> 00:10:45,314 I mean, if I were in a toxic relationship, 263 00:10:45,350 --> 00:10:47,550 I'm pretty sure there'd be some signs. 264 00:10:47,585 --> 00:10:51,287 [chuckles] Yeah... Oh. Oh, no. 265 00:10:51,322 --> 00:10:54,057 Oh, my beautiful bangs. Okay, okay. 266 00:10:54,092 --> 00:10:56,639 This is probably not a coincidence. 267 00:10:58,181 --> 00:10:59,747 Mm, mm, mm. 268 00:10:59,782 --> 00:11:03,083 I need some butter, because this is a toast. 269 00:11:03,119 --> 00:11:04,485 [both laugh] 270 00:11:04,520 --> 00:11:05,986 I didn't realize we had so many friends 271 00:11:06,022 --> 00:11:08,589 - and co-workers to stare at us. - Yeah, I know. 272 00:11:08,624 --> 00:11:10,291 [both laughing] 273 00:11:10,326 --> 00:11:12,059 [weakly]: Whoa, lost my footing. 274 00:11:12,094 --> 00:11:13,494 [Zorn mumbles] 275 00:11:13,529 --> 00:11:17,551 Whoa, easy, Zorn, you big ole goof, right? [both cackling] 276 00:11:19,569 --> 00:11:23,337 Hey, thanks for having us. We made out on the way over here. 277 00:11:23,372 --> 00:11:25,673 Zorn... you look like Matthew McConaughey 278 00:11:25,708 --> 00:11:28,909 at the end of Dallas Buyers Club. [rattled gasp] 279 00:11:28,945 --> 00:11:31,011 Hey, Mom, have you seen my case of crystal glasses? 280 00:11:31,047 --> 00:11:32,813 - They're missing? - Yeah. 281 00:11:32,848 --> 00:11:35,616 - That's insane! - Okay, I... I'm just gonna... 282 00:11:35,651 --> 00:11:38,085 - you know, look everywhere, so... - Yeah, or let it go. 283 00:11:38,120 --> 00:11:41,021 - You can let it go. Hey! - Hey. You hid his box 284 00:11:41,057 --> 00:11:43,190 - of wine glasses, didn't you? Mm. - I had to. 285 00:11:43,226 --> 00:11:46,093 I'm not gonna let him make a fool of himself in front of Layla. 286 00:11:46,128 --> 00:11:48,529 Yeah, not to mention your Aunt Deb, the queen of heckling is here. 287 00:11:48,564 --> 00:11:49,663 She'd have a field day with this. 288 00:11:49,699 --> 00:11:52,233 - Yeah. - ZORN [strained]: Alangulon! 289 00:11:52,268 --> 00:11:53,834 I need your help. 290 00:11:53,869 --> 00:11:57,304 [Zorn coughs] Uh... Dad? 291 00:11:57,340 --> 00:11:59,106 You look... different. 292 00:11:59,141 --> 00:12:02,409 - Uh-huh. - Uh... your eyebrows are missing. 293 00:12:02,445 --> 00:12:04,011 Yeah, sorry, I haven't seen much of anything 294 00:12:04,046 --> 00:12:05,679 since my left eye went all milky. 295 00:12:05,715 --> 00:12:08,183 - [chuckles] Weird. - RADIANA: Hey, lay off your old man, 296 00:12:08,184 --> 00:12:10,251 I think it makes him look distinguished. 297 00:12:10,286 --> 00:12:13,387 [Radiana chuckling and moaning, Alan groans] 298 00:12:13,422 --> 00:12:15,990 Hey, listen, son, I... you know, I'm a little weak right now. 299 00:12:16,025 --> 00:12:17,591 Um, you know, from the hay fever. 300 00:12:17,627 --> 00:12:19,226 And I just need you to help me to the bathroom, 301 00:12:19,262 --> 00:12:20,894 if you don't mind. Uh, Don't worry, 302 00:12:20,930 --> 00:12:23,497 nothing gross, I just need you to pull out my penises 303 00:12:23,532 --> 00:12:25,663 and point them at the toilet. 304 00:12:26,469 --> 00:12:28,235 [coughing] 305 00:12:28,271 --> 00:12:30,070 Hey, Dad, have you considered the possibility that having 306 00:12:30,106 --> 00:12:32,673 a radioactive girlfriend is making you really sick? 307 00:12:32,708 --> 00:12:35,276 Oh, I've considered it, yeah, and that's definitely what's happening. 308 00:12:35,311 --> 00:12:36,543 Okay, well, you need to break up with her. 309 00:12:36,579 --> 00:12:39,913 - She's bad for you. - Alangulon, I can't break up with her, okay? 310 00:12:39,949 --> 00:12:42,149 - Why not? - Because... 311 00:12:42,184 --> 00:12:44,618 because... everyone's got someone. 312 00:12:44,654 --> 00:12:47,655 All right? I mean, your mother has Craig and you have Layla. 313 00:12:47,690 --> 00:12:50,758 Hell, even Linda's like the ultimate lady's man. 314 00:12:50,793 --> 00:12:54,595 I just didn't want to be the only one to... die alone. 315 00:12:54,630 --> 00:12:56,196 Look, I just got you back in my life, 316 00:12:56,232 --> 00:12:57,831 so I don't want to lose you. 317 00:12:57,867 --> 00:13:00,367 In a bathroom. 318 00:13:00,403 --> 00:13:05,372 Oh, Alangatang. I don't want to lose you either, buddy. 319 00:13:07,410 --> 00:13:10,778 Dad? Dad! 320 00:13:10,813 --> 00:13:12,112 [door rattles] Dad! 321 00:13:12,148 --> 00:13:13,347 Oh, huh, what? [clears throat] 322 00:13:13,382 --> 00:13:16,817 Sorry, I lost consciousness there for a hot sec. 323 00:13:16,852 --> 00:13:18,619 ALAN: Hey, uh, Radiana, uh, 324 00:13:18,654 --> 00:13:20,321 my dad asks if you can see him in the bathroom. 325 00:13:20,356 --> 00:13:22,956 - Mm-hmm. - Wait. Why does he need to see me? 326 00:13:22,992 --> 00:13:26,327 - Uh.... maybe sex? - Oh, you are so lucky 327 00:13:26,362 --> 00:13:28,996 - you have such an erotic father. - Hmm. 328 00:13:29,031 --> 00:13:32,166 Okay, I'll go take care of that and then you and I are hanging out. 329 00:13:32,201 --> 00:13:34,435 I want to hang out with you! [laughs] 330 00:13:34,470 --> 00:13:36,704 I can't find my glasses anywhere. 331 00:13:36,739 --> 00:13:38,105 I don't know what's going on. 332 00:13:38,140 --> 00:13:40,274 Think maybe I can use coffee mugs instead? 333 00:13:40,309 --> 00:13:41,742 I don't know if that'll even work. 334 00:13:41,777 --> 00:13:43,010 I don't understand the physics of this 335 00:13:43,045 --> 00:13:44,445 - whole sound thing. - Yeah, maybe. 336 00:13:44,480 --> 00:13:45,913 I'm going to go, uh, just take my sweater 337 00:13:45,948 --> 00:13:47,348 really quick, it's a little hot, 338 00:13:47,383 --> 00:13:49,650 because of the... nuclear-powered woman. 339 00:13:49,685 --> 00:13:51,251 - Yeah. - Be right back. 340 00:13:51,287 --> 00:13:54,488 Knock knock. Your son said you needed me. 341 00:13:54,523 --> 00:13:56,090 Possibly for bathroom sex. 342 00:13:56,125 --> 00:13:58,876 Radiana, we need to talk. 343 00:14:00,763 --> 00:14:03,764 [over mic] I guess I'm supposed to give a toast to Craig now. 344 00:14:03,799 --> 00:14:06,631 So, here goes. [exhales] 345 00:14:06,666 --> 00:14:09,536 Uh, my friend from yoga set us up on a blind date. 346 00:14:09,572 --> 00:14:13,640 Uh, we went to this Italian place. Uh... 347 00:14:13,676 --> 00:14:15,642 I can't remember the name. Anyway, 348 00:14:15,678 --> 00:14:18,445 the date was kind of, well, awkward. 349 00:14:18,481 --> 00:14:20,481 Uh, and then we started dating. 350 00:14:20,516 --> 00:14:24,118 And then he moved all his stuff in. And here we are. 351 00:14:24,159 --> 00:14:26,259 [woman clears throat] 352 00:14:26,294 --> 00:14:27,460 Thank you. 353 00:14:27,495 --> 00:14:29,839 [scattered applause] 354 00:14:32,067 --> 00:14:34,534 - It was really moving, sweetie. - EDIE: Thanks! 355 00:14:36,004 --> 00:14:37,470 [Craig clears throat] 356 00:14:37,539 --> 00:14:41,507 Bliss Bistro on 14th and Cedar. 357 00:14:41,543 --> 00:14:44,243 That's where my life changed forever. 358 00:14:44,279 --> 00:14:46,580 And it wasn't just because they have the best damn 359 00:14:46,581 --> 00:14:48,881 breadsticks you'd ever want to try in your life. 360 00:14:48,917 --> 00:14:49,882 [laughter] 361 00:14:49,918 --> 00:14:51,684 [chuckles] No. 362 00:14:51,720 --> 00:14:55,321 It's because that's where I met Edie Bennett. 363 00:14:55,357 --> 00:14:56,589 [sniffles] 364 00:14:56,625 --> 00:14:57,991 CRAIG [in distance]: She walked into the restaurant 365 00:14:58,026 --> 00:15:02,261 and all of my loneliness and desperation... walked out. 366 00:15:04,766 --> 00:15:07,500 Fear not for that lonely wanderer. 367 00:15:07,535 --> 00:15:10,837 Fear not for that wretched disgrace. 368 00:15:10,872 --> 00:15:14,474 For he, at last, has found his peace, 369 00:15:14,509 --> 00:15:17,646 - Oh, my God. - in Edie's sweet embrace. 370 00:15:17,681 --> 00:15:19,245 [applause] 371 00:15:19,480 --> 00:15:23,276 Hon, you need to keep talking. Alan found his glasses! 372 00:15:23,311 --> 00:15:27,107 - I know, but I'm done with my speech. - Shh-shh... just keep talking. 373 00:15:27,142 --> 00:15:30,390 Um... So, many of you may not know this, 374 00:15:30,425 --> 00:15:33,626 but I was an amateur impressionist back in the '90s. 375 00:15:33,662 --> 00:15:36,062 - Oh! - Here's a little Joey Lawrence. 376 00:15:36,097 --> 00:15:37,497 "Whoa." 377 00:15:37,532 --> 00:15:40,449 [forced laughter] 378 00:15:40,484 --> 00:15:43,936 - Oh, yes. - Uh, okay, well, uh... 379 00:15:43,972 --> 00:15:46,039 Oh. Here's my belly button's, uh, review 380 00:15:46,074 --> 00:15:47,674 of the movie Gone Girl. 381 00:15:47,709 --> 00:15:50,643 [quietly]: Oh. Oh, my God. Enough. 382 00:15:50,679 --> 00:15:52,679 RADIANA: You can't leave me, I'm pregnant! 383 00:15:52,714 --> 00:15:56,015 No, that's too far. But still, you can't leave me! 384 00:15:56,051 --> 00:15:58,484 [Radiana screaming] Radiana's having a meltdown. 385 00:15:58,520 --> 00:15:59,986 [screaming, sobbing] 386 00:16:00,021 --> 00:16:02,121 Mm, a female villain making accusations of rape. 387 00:16:02,157 --> 00:16:06,340 - Is that something we really need... - Ow! Aunt Deb! 388 00:16:06,702 --> 00:16:09,553 RADIANA: How could you do this to me, Zorn? [yells] 389 00:16:09,589 --> 00:16:11,622 Zorn, you either need a lot more consoling in there, 390 00:16:11,658 --> 00:16:15,026 or we're gonna need a lot more radiation suits out here. 391 00:16:15,061 --> 00:16:17,762 This looks like a job for... 392 00:16:17,797 --> 00:16:20,965 - a therapist. - Wha... Craig, this is insane. 393 00:16:21,000 --> 00:16:22,767 It's too dangerous. You can't go in there. 394 00:16:22,802 --> 00:16:26,671 All therapy is dangerous, Edie, but this is what a hero has got to do. 395 00:16:26,706 --> 00:16:28,773 Plus, I stopped at the kitchen and got these pans 396 00:16:28,808 --> 00:16:34,478 - to protect my testes and my brain. - ALAN: Hey, Craig, Craig! Hey, uh... 397 00:16:34,514 --> 00:16:36,747 before you risk your life, I hate to tell you this, 398 00:16:36,783 --> 00:16:38,416 but, you know, maybe you're not as good 399 00:16:38,451 --> 00:16:40,618 at the whole therapy thing as you think you are? 400 00:16:40,653 --> 00:16:42,853 Oh, really? Why don't you play me a song about it 401 00:16:42,889 --> 00:16:47,291 on some glasses, son? [door opens, closes] 402 00:16:47,327 --> 00:16:51,495 [crying continues] CRAIG: Radiana, 403 00:16:51,531 --> 00:16:53,431 I understand that you're hurting and you're having 404 00:16:53,466 --> 00:16:55,299 - a hard time letting go... - ZORN: Craig. 405 00:16:55,335 --> 00:16:56,901 I take some solace in knowing 406 00:16:56,936 --> 00:16:59,670 that when I die, you'll die a split second later, 407 00:16:59,706 --> 00:17:01,138 knowing you failed. 408 00:17:01,174 --> 00:17:02,973 Okay, Radiana. Let me tell you a little story. 409 00:17:03,009 --> 00:17:07,211 It's the story of a young man who had his heart broken. 410 00:17:07,246 --> 00:17:09,613 He thought that he would never fall in love. 411 00:17:09,649 --> 00:17:11,682 Do you know where that young man is today? 412 00:17:11,718 --> 00:17:15,252 Let me guess. He's at his engagement party. 413 00:17:15,288 --> 00:17:19,457 - The man is you. - No, the man was my friend, Andrew. 414 00:17:19,492 --> 00:17:21,826 And he spent many years alone until, finally, 415 00:17:21,861 --> 00:17:23,561 he took his own life with his service weapon. 416 00:17:23,596 --> 00:17:26,063 ZORN: Oh, my God! You are so bad at this! 417 00:17:26,099 --> 00:17:28,966 RADIANA [sobbing]: Why are you even trying to be a therapist? 418 00:17:29,001 --> 00:17:30,601 Because it's my dream. 419 00:17:30,636 --> 00:17:33,404 - And I know I can do it. - Oh, boy. 420 00:17:33,439 --> 00:17:35,539 Have there been setbacks? Yes. 421 00:17:35,575 --> 00:17:40,411 Has every attempt to help someone ended in abject failure? 422 00:17:40,446 --> 00:17:45,449 Sure. But I know in my heart 423 00:17:45,485 --> 00:17:49,387 that therapy... is my destiny. 424 00:17:49,422 --> 00:17:52,890 Ugh! You moron! Can't you see it'll never work? 425 00:17:52,925 --> 00:17:55,025 Can't you see how pathetic you look, you... 426 00:17:55,061 --> 00:17:57,862 Oh. Oh, my God. 427 00:17:57,897 --> 00:18:00,765 What? Are you having a breakthrough? 428 00:18:00,766 --> 00:18:03,634 Because I've never seen one before and I don't know what to look for. 429 00:18:03,669 --> 00:18:05,569 That's what I'm like. 430 00:18:05,605 --> 00:18:08,939 I'm just some sad lady hanging on to a dream 431 00:18:08,975 --> 00:18:13,878 that will never, ever come true. Just like you. 432 00:18:13,913 --> 00:18:15,946 Okay, that's a little harsh. 433 00:18:15,982 --> 00:18:19,917 - That just totally helped me. - Oh. Okay. Well, cool. 434 00:18:19,952 --> 00:18:22,119 Good-bye, Zorn. I deserve better than you, 435 00:18:22,155 --> 00:18:24,355 and it's time I give that to myself. 436 00:18:24,390 --> 00:18:25,790 I'm going to go to an ashram 437 00:18:25,825 --> 00:18:29,560 near this Mexican restaurant and get centered, 438 00:18:29,595 --> 00:18:34,136 and then get smashed on margaritas. Peace! 439 00:18:36,068 --> 00:18:38,469 [exhales] Oh man. [chuckles] 440 00:18:38,504 --> 00:18:40,604 I did it. I did it! 441 00:18:40,640 --> 00:18:43,369 Hey, Zorn! Zorn, I did, uh... 442 00:18:44,281 --> 00:18:46,444 Zorn's dead! 443 00:18:46,479 --> 00:18:48,646 [ragged inhale] 444 00:18:48,681 --> 00:18:50,514 Hey, Mrs. B., I'm gonna go. 445 00:18:50,550 --> 00:18:52,817 Will you tell Alan I'm sorry I can't hear him play? 446 00:18:52,885 --> 00:18:56,153 Yes. That is too bad. Well, it's good to see you, Layla. 447 00:18:56,189 --> 00:18:57,254 - Yeah. You, too. - Um... 448 00:18:57,290 --> 00:18:58,656 Better get home, your parents are gonna worry 449 00:18:58,691 --> 00:19:01,292 - you died in an accident. - Oh. Okay well, um... 450 00:19:01,327 --> 00:19:04,829 Congratulations. Craig seems like a really amazing guy. 451 00:19:04,864 --> 00:19:08,032 I know, he was quite... the hero tonight. 452 00:19:08,067 --> 00:19:11,735 Yeah! I mean, I-I have no idea who Joey Lawrence is, 453 00:19:11,771 --> 00:19:15,481 but it was so bad it was almost cute. 454 00:19:16,909 --> 00:19:18,909 Um... Okay. 455 00:19:18,945 --> 00:19:21,345 Text your parents. Tell them you haven't been 456 00:19:21,380 --> 00:19:24,415 in a terrible accident. You need to hear Alan play. 457 00:19:24,570 --> 00:19:27,053 Oh. Okay. [chuckles] 458 00:19:27,773 --> 00:19:29,506 So, I know things 459 00:19:29,542 --> 00:19:32,443 got a little crazy there for a bit, but don't worry, 460 00:19:32,478 --> 00:19:34,578 the nuclear meltdown has been averted. 461 00:19:34,614 --> 00:19:36,246 [indistinct chatter] 462 00:19:36,282 --> 00:19:37,948 Oh. You guys didn't know about that. Okay. 463 00:19:37,984 --> 00:19:42,186 Uh, and now, some music from my wonderful son, Alan. 464 00:19:42,221 --> 00:19:43,621 [applause] 465 00:19:43,656 --> 00:19:44,922 [Alan grunts] 466 00:19:48,961 --> 00:19:51,462 [glasses ringing] 467 00:19:53,966 --> 00:19:57,634 - You're not making your pity face. - Yeah, I know. 468 00:19:57,703 --> 00:19:59,570 I'm proud of him. And I'm proud of you. 469 00:19:59,605 --> 00:20:03,574 You helped Zorn tonight, and you helped me. 470 00:20:03,609 --> 00:20:06,477 You're the best thing that ever happened to me, Craig. 471 00:20:06,512 --> 00:20:09,747 I mean, you're just yourself and you don't let people change you. 472 00:20:09,782 --> 00:20:13,763 Maybe jot these down, it might make a nice toast. 473 00:20:14,186 --> 00:20:16,253 [music] 474 00:20:16,288 --> 00:20:18,956 ZORN: Oh man, look at those two loveflargs, huh? 475 00:20:18,991 --> 00:20:21,759 - Screw 'em. - No, I actually mean it. I'm... 476 00:20:21,794 --> 00:20:25,129 - I'm happy for them. - Huh. Look at you. 477 00:20:25,164 --> 00:20:27,698 I mean, sure, yeah, me and Edie had some great times, 478 00:20:27,733 --> 00:20:29,399 but we're different people now. 479 00:20:29,535 --> 00:20:31,735 And seeing her with Craig, and Alangulon 480 00:20:31,770 --> 00:20:33,170 with that narrow-hipped farm wench, 481 00:20:33,205 --> 00:20:36,306 it's like everyone I love has someone they love. 482 00:20:36,342 --> 00:20:38,642 And that gives me hope that I'll find someone, too. 483 00:20:38,677 --> 00:20:41,945 Hey, one day you and I are gonna find the loves of our lives. 484 00:20:41,981 --> 00:20:43,680 Yeah. Sure, of course we will. 485 00:20:43,749 --> 00:20:48,585 Until then, let's go bang those two waiters. 486 00:20:48,621 --> 00:20:50,187 So wait, I get the woman and you get the man? 487 00:20:50,222 --> 00:20:51,622 Or what, we're just gonna flip a coin? 488 00:20:51,690 --> 00:20:53,323 Whatever. 489 00:20:54,860 --> 00:20:57,060 Uh, here's Heather Locklear from Melrose Place 490 00:20:57,096 --> 00:21:01,806 arguing over rent. "Okay, I'll pay it!" 491 00:21:02,463 --> 00:21:04,926 Thank you. Thanks. 492 00:21:05,938 --> 00:21:07,938 So here's my impression of Joe Pesci. 493 00:21:07,973 --> 00:21:09,339 [man snores, snorts] 494 00:21:09,375 --> 00:21:13,765 - "You laughing at me?" Right? - I don't know who that was? 495 00:21:13,800 --> 00:21:16,880 Here's my impression of Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. 496 00:21:16,916 --> 00:21:19,249 "You got it, dude!" 497 00:21:19,285 --> 00:21:23,338 - MAN: Oh, please... - [chuckles] So, anyways... 498 00:21:23,373 --> 00:21:25,361 - Where y'all from? - Oh! 499 00:21:25,381 --> 00:21:27,775 [horn honking] 500 00:21:27,810 --> 00:21:31,576 sync and correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~